Luke Scallon
Pastor, Faith Baptist Church of Danville

Published in The Des Moines County News on August 18, 2016.

Who am I?  Whether we realize it or not, we all are working toward answering that question, coming to an understanding of who we are.  In fact, our children are in the foundational years of forming and understanding their identities.  There are many influences working to shape their identity, and parents should take the lead in helping to shape and draw out who each child is.

It’s a lifelong process, discovering and defining yourself.  We each have a name given and social security number assigned at birth – but I’m more than a name and number.  But what defines me?  What should define me?  And, what influences how I define myself?  Understanding this helps us as parents to be more perceptive to how even the smallest things influence people’s lives.

One thing everyone wants is to be accepted.  Confidence can be strengthened or shattered with acceptance or rejection.  When confidence is broken, we are suddenly afraid to be ourselves, and we quickly lose our identity.  So many children reach for an identity by conforming to others and defining themselves a certain way in order to be accepted.  Am I what I look like?  Am I what I wear?  Am I what I listen to?  Am I my family’s economic status?  These things easily shape who we are, but they don’t have to limit us or our children in our identities.

There is a great place to find acceptance and form an identity.  “But as many as received (Jesus), to them He gave the right to become children of God, to those who believe in His name” (John 1:12).  This adoption into God’s family is all a demonstration of “His grace, by which He made us accepted in the Beloved” (Ephesians 1:6).  When we trust Jesus for forgiveness and salvation, we have acceptance from God that we never can lose.  He continually pours out his love on us!

This is the basis by which we parents must seek to shape our children’s identity.  Of course, we don’t want to force them to be a certain way; we want to draw out their own unique personalities and interests.  We want to help them discover their gifts, what they enjoy, and what they struggle with.  But we want to do so in an environment where they know what defines them and what will never define them, in order to free them to cultivate their identity in a growing way.

This means never shaming or condemning our children for how they perform.  They are, after all, more than their performances.  We know this; yet, it’s easier said than done.

My child is not defined by how he performs athletically.  When he fails at a sport, I will encourage him to keep trying, and teach him to enjoy giving his best.

My child is not defined by how he performs academically.  When he fails an assignment, I will work to help him understand the material, and encourage him to work hard and be persistent.

My child is not defined by how he performs morally.  When he fails to obey or makes a poor decision, I will forgive him and challenge him to make better decisions.  He is my son, and nothing can change that – just as God helps me to grow but never gives up on me!